Living in Gratitude

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Well, no doubt a blog at Thanksgiving should be about gratitude. But it is also the perfect follow up for getting out of our egos and into our hearts. For in the heart, lies our gratitude and if we are working to live a heart centered life, gratitude plays a leading role. 

A fascinating research study published by Psychotherapy Research Journal in 2018 studied three groups of patients receiving psychotherapy: (1) a control group who got therapy only, (2) a group receiving therapy plus expressive writing assignments and (3) a group receiving therapy plus gratitude journaling assignments. Patients were asked in group (3) to write a letter each week for three weeks of gratitude to another while the expressive writing group (2) was asked to write once weekly for three weeks about their deepest feelings on certain negative experiences. 

After four and twelve weeks, the gratitude group reported significantly better mental health. And further, this study went on to discuss that writing those letters of gratitude released toxic emotions, helped the patients regardless if they shared them, and that while benefits of gratitude take time to accumulate, it actually changes the brain by increasing prefrontal cortex activity. Check out the study: How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain.

This sounds easy enough so why not give it a try? If writing a letter seems daunting, there are countless gratitude journals available for purchase. Or maybe you just recite the things you are grateful for each day. Find a habit that is achievable so you can do the work. You will find these letters to be less and less about you and more about the other. Now the ego begins to fade and we move into our heart. 

My husband and I adopted sibling daughters from Haiti a few years back. They came to us as teenagers. Both daughters learned behaviors from the orphanage of intense self absorption, likely their defense in order to survive. But my eldest daughter has made a miraculous recovery and it has been magnificent to watch her grow out of her ego and into her heart. My youngest daughter, who suffered much more trauma, is completely unable. She has reactive attachment disorder and lives solely in defense of her ego. There is nothing my husband nor I can do to help get her into a life of gratitude or even a moment of gratitude. It is my most frustrating time as a mother. We watch her sadness and isolation and hurt for her. The juxtaposition of my three children living in gratitude to my one child who cannot is astounding. 

Even in my most difficult times I can find a sliver of gratitude in the situation, the proverbial silver lining. When I actively seek that out, my heart rate drops, my blood pressure drops and I start to relax. Admittedly, it is much easier to find gratitude when life’s going great. It’s when we are at our lowest, that we need to actively seek it out. Our egos, so powerful, will work as hard as possible to hide gratitude from us. So write the letter. Write a letter every single day if that is what it takes until you start to feel your heart open again. Maybe our letters are not just letters to humans but also to our beloved animals. Thank them for what they taught you and for being a part of your life while so, so brief. Perhaps they are to our patients, clients, employers or employees. Post the letter to our facebook page, or mail it, or place it in a drawer to never see the light of day. What matters is for that moment, you were in your heart receiving the benefits of gratitude and you gave your tired ego a rest. 

I realize that I am asking you all, the busiest group of humans I know, to spend a little extra time on yourselves. I am sure you would not hesitate to stay late for an emergency surgery or to research for a client. We barely get home in time to eat dinner and fall asleep, let alone care for our children. But the bottom line is we can’t afford not to do these things. I wish I could create a program that you could just effortlessly absorb, but the reality is that the work must be done. Time and effort must be put into ourselves so our life can unfold with limitless possibilities. This program is about releasing emotional toxins, shedding constrictive fear and reaching your best and truest self. So if you’re ready for it, commit to doing the work. And if you aren’t, just put it aside for now. But know it is here for you when and if you ever need it. 

Happy Thanksgiving my friends. 

With deepest gratitude, 

Dr. Erin Holder